Different life (part 1?)

Writing is how you escape.

I sit down on the old couch at my apartment. The dinky television set in front of me plays a basketball program. I think about what happened today. Nothing much.

Someone complimented me at work. I didn’t know who it was. I was shocked at first. I couldn’t move after hearing it. It had been a while. I shrugged it off as just another daily occurence.

My slouched form collapses my spine like a caterpillar. I sit there, waiting for the next day. Nothing else happens. I sleep a good few hours, then wake up to start it all again.

When I leave the front entrance, a voice comes and greets me. A cheerful bubly girl leaps towards me with a big grin on her face. I don’t recognise her at first, but soon remember that she was an old childhood friend whom I have forgotten.

I walk with her during my daily route as we talk to each other.

In vain

Hermione

Self-sabotage
The act of refusing the things you need, simply because you think you know what’s best.
The prevention of action in your life to shield your past mistakes
Fearing that they be released,
Hurting more than you intended.

What do I need?
What do I want?
I need: people.
I need people in my life that I can depend on,
That I can spend time with.

What do I want? Control.
I want to know everything.
I don’t want any surprises.
I want life to happen as I want it to be,
Free from all consequence.

My eyes are blinded, unable to distinguish between
Helpful and harmful,
Goodwill and revenge.
I never know how to feel about things.
I don’t know if I like things.
I act as if it’s all bad.
What if it is? with what evidence?
I have a full lifetime to work with, so there’s that.

The biggest fear that I live with
Is knowing that I don’t want to be with people,
But knowing that I need to.

The flow

Hermione

I’ll be that drop of water
Dripping from the faucet.
It will keep going
Until there’s none left.

To think I have made it this far
Without help from anybody else
I can only stand on top of my achievement,
The pinnacle of my crown
The one that only I can wear.

But then I look down at the beggars and the sinners
And up at you saints.
I know where I stand
I know where I should be
You just can’t admit it
I’m too good for you.

All just assets
Slaves to my will
I hope all the good times,
All those assists
Ultimately didn’t help your decision
Of claiming me as one.
Oh well, as if I would have acted differently.

The nature of time leads us to strange places.
The will of the human supersedes all.

I’m slowly falling down
Down the path of wrongdoing
Searching my soul for the good ,
There’s nothing left.

Pains

If only I wanted to write

I would have written something

But oh’ it get so hard to do so in the night.

This will have to do.

It’s for me…

The train that is not coming

“When the train that is not coming does not arrive, all will become clear.”

To my fifth grade teacher, I still have not figured out what you mean by this.

What do you think?

Waves

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

And so, in order to get back up from my pit, the storm must pass.

My experiences as a follower

Hermione

In an empty room
Everybody is having fun.
They’re all grateful that I’m there
To make their days better.
It feels nice to be helpful to others.

I sit at my table
Scattered on it are years of dreams slowly being put together.
Quietly , I continue working.
Every once in a while, someone comes to check on me.
I appreciate their help. They walk away afterwards.
It’s a humble job.

Everyone can’t stop praising me.
I’m the star of the party, apparently.
I bring their mood up.
I enhance their lives.
It feels nice to be useful to others.

People stop coming.
I am left here on my own.
I work towards a dream I know nobody will see
Whether that’s because I chose that or not.

I wonder where my people are;
The people that enhance my life.
I want them to come and stay.
I want them to like me
For more than just who I am, but also for what I do.

It’s not easy to work by yourself.
You can only grow based on what you know.

And yet, I still make your days better.
I won’t stop. I don’t see why I should.
Why should I waste such an ability?

My table clears itself up
And I have nothing left to offer.
I have finished all my goals
And who can I show them off to?


I suppose myself would have to do.

Less is more

Source: https://youtu.be/8rQw6Tsnago?si=Vt_XQRQ3TA0miwja

Sometimes less is more.

With a less clear image, more personality is revealed.

One day, I’ll recreate my own rendition of this shot.

Until then, I’ll probably draw one first 🙂

Add title

What am I? A human? An animal? A creature?

I’m the one. The one who takes the fall. The one who will never truly get what they want. The one who will never feel the same fufillment that you do.

I’ll never be you. But at least you’ll never be me.

So… yay?

Letting them in again

Hermione

I don’t like you
And I’m scared to find out why.

I don’t like
How you had a smile so bright,
And within it was a knife
Of lies, lies you hurt me with.
The blade of kindness cut me open.

The attention draws me in.
I cannot escape you.
I had let you grow too deep.
You are nothing more than old trauma,
Refusing to wilt.

Through all of this, you remind me
Of the person I once trusted the most.
You weren’t the reason, it was just me.
I was the bad guy.

You appear once more.
You have a different face,
Different name,
Different look,
Different person.
And I can’t believe it one bit.
You can’t be new.
You can’t be different.
You can’t be the one
Who can fix what you’ve destroyed,
Smashed before it hits the floor.

I don’t like you.
I’m scared of going through it all again.

Tired,

Fatigued,

Exhausted,

Drained.